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The Cincinnati Zoo’s “Fiona Fix” has Almost Made Me Forget That They Shot Harambe.

Most people get through their miserable day at work by looking forward to a workout, a beer, a glass of wine perhaps, possibly a dinner date. But not me. I get through it by the heart-warming, tear inducing, emotionally terrorizing updates about “Fiona” the new baby Hippo at the Cincinnati Zoo. #FionaFix is one of the highlights of my day. For those of you that do not know, Fiona was born 6 weeks premature at the Cincinnati Zoo and has been fighting for her life 24/7 since she graced this planet with her presence. She is so cute, it legitimately makes my heart hurt… and all the while I’m completely forgetting the fact that this is the very same zoo that shot and killed Harambe.

In an effort to not make this blog about Harambe in anyway, I’d actually rather applaud the perfection that the Cincinnati Zoo PR team operated with. When Harambe was shot they went “Zero Dark Thirty” for a solid 60 days until the smoke blew over. Since then I became obsessed with my #FionaFix and I’m on my way to buy my ticket to Zoo Babies.

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Aside

I have a serious question. Do I Unfollow Brandon Phillips on Instagram?

Before you start jumping down my throat, just hear me out.  Whenever an athlete that I follow on social media gets traded or switches teams, I am always a huge fan of cutting the cord and moving on.  It’s almost automatic for me; all of the sudden– your inspirational quotes bore me, your jokes aren’t as funny, and I’m not all that interested in how the “(Insert city here) community has really made you feel at home”.  But I just haven’t had to make a decision this hard when it comes to moving on from an athlete before.   I haven’t had to think about it with my “Favorite Red of All Time”

On one hand, I don’t want to watch Brandon having fun with his new main chick, Dansby Swanson, turning double plays and posting pics from his new “Hip” city that he loves so much.  On the other, this isn’t quite the same as the athletes of the past for me… it’s BP… my first love and my last love… and, as petty as it sounds, he hasn’t really left me/us for a hotter chick.  I just wish he had retired with us so I never had to think about this and I didn’t constantly have my stomach drop out of my asshole when he posts a pic from spring training with his new girl team.


A post shared by Brandon Phillips (@datdudebp) on Feb 17, 2017 at 5:59pm PST

 

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1st Day Out At Disney ⚾️😁 #wizop #braves

A post shared by Brandon Phillips (@datdudebp) on Feb 18, 2017 at 6:12pm PST

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🎶Me and my homie we roll together like Batman and Robin🎶 ~ #outkast #atl

A post shared by Brandon Phillips (@datdudebp) on Feb 22, 2017 at 11:23am PST

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Can We Talk About Skylines New Crackers?

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I’m driving to work at the end of last week.  I had had a Chilito while I was driving the night before… so I plucked the single packet of Skyline’s famous Oysters Crackers out of the bag on the passengers seat from the night before.  I began to munch on the crackers, crumbs tumbling down my belly on the way to the car floor, when I noticed these crackers are actually filling me up; they’re buttery, they’re salty, and when I finally look down… they are YELLOW!

I assumed I had an “Over-cooked” batch, that my taste buds were just “off”, only to find out that the baker for these crackers had changed.  I’m not really interested doing a full breakdown of the differences of the crackers.  But what made the old crackers great was the lack of flavor, the nostalgia, and the dunking/inserting of hot sauce before your 3-way, Chilito, and Coney with mustard would arrive at your table.  Call me old fashioned, but I liked my Oyster crackers tasting like Oyster crackers, not butter flavored Doritos.

Kenyon Martin’s Son has Bunnys and is also like 20 Already…

 

Does UC have and inside track on this? If not we need to, K… P.S. I’m Back…..

Live look at me right now:

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Can we talk about how much of a DORK Joey Votto is being at Spring Training

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Joey Votto channels his inner footballer #TheRonaldo #RedsST

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Joey gonna Joey. #RedsST

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The King Votto chalk toss #RedsST

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It’s actually upsetting to me.  I need my #1 guy to be a boss, savage, and .330 hitter all wrapped up into 1, not a complete dink celebrating like a weirdo in front of like 6 fans at Spring Training in Goodyear, Arizona.  Like would you rather have and Anthony Rizzo (a boss btw), hitting at .275 or Votto at .315?  I’m getting to the point where I think the intangible leadership (Like Rizzo) is where the real value lies.  I need a leader, a pure savage, and someone that has an unquenchable thirst for Home Runs and Votto isn’t that, and until he is I’m not gonna look at him dinking around spring training as funny.  It’s really just weird.

Peyton Manning Retires to Overshadow the Death of Nancy Reagan

 

This tweet is absolutely perfect for the headline of this article.

Peyton Manning…

Congrats on all of the regular season records? I guess? I mean it was kind of a “Bleh” career.  Let’s focus on the actual statistical categories that matter:

-Most 1 and done playoff appearances in NFL history.

-Most Playoff Losses in NFL History.

-Largest forehead in NFL History.

-Most sexual harassment allegations for QB in NFL history (tied with Brett Favre and Ben Roethlisberger)

And to top it all off he decided to announce that he is going to announce (Not a typo) his retirement on the day that American Legend, hero, and wife of the finest man to ever grace the face of this planet, Nancy Reagan passed away.

Thank you for inspiring us Nancy, and even though Peyton Manning may have forgotten what you mean to us and the United States, you can rest assured that we never will.  Rest in Peace.

 

Hue Jackson Left to Coach the Brownies

Knew it was coming. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Let’s talk about what this means for the Bengals first.

Honestly I don’t think losing Hue will be the thing that kills us (if it does at all) I think it’ll be the replacement. Like any OC candidate from the outside is going to bring his own plays, his own system. That’s why so many teams try as hard as they can to promote from within. Just to make sure that the continuity is still there. That’s just the nature of the business. The Bengals HAVE TO eventually cash in with these phenomenal coordinators that they keep cycling through, because if they don’t, they just keep getting HC jobs and then we have to start over with new coordinators, and no matter what it looks like on the field, the longer the coordinators are in place the better chance you have at winning. It’s like we are ALWAYS in year 1 of new coordinators. Like we aren’t bad enough for our OC and DC not to be snatched up, but we aren’t good enough to win A playoff game. Needs to change…

Now for Hue/the Browns:

I kinda think that the Browns are eternally cursed, but with that being said IF someone can turn it around, it’s Hue. He led the Raiders to .500 in the one and only year he was their Head Ball Coach, and they had a 10th of the talent (at the time) than the Browns currently do. Now I understand that they still don’t have a QB, but Hue is the type of coach that can take a below average guy (at QB) and get the team to 8-10 wins. Also aren’t the Browns getting Josh Gordon back next year? And their D is pretty legit, and I feel like their O-line is littered with top round draft picks. So I think they’ll be fine. That’s why I fucking HATE that he went somewhere else in the AFC North. Hue for Christ sakes go to the 49ers or someplace where we never have to see you! (Respectfully of course).

PS- They should’ve just given Marvin’s job to Hue.

 

Jeremy Hill During The Final Seconds of Bengals Vs. Steelers Tells you Exactly Why you Should LOVE Jeremy Hill

 

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This is heartbreaking stuff right here.  But this is exactly what you need to act like if you made the mistake that Jeremy did.  He held himself wholly accountable for the entire loss.  And him saying “NO, NO, NO” on the sideline shows me that he was pinning everything on himself and was just PRAYING for the D to pick him up and get him off the hook.  Football is the ultimate team game and that’s just what happens.  Guys fuck up and their teammates get their backs.  That’s why love, respect, and chemistry are SO vital in an NFL locker room.

Watch out for Jeremy next year on the field (and definitely in fantasy) because he is going to go the fuck OFF after going through the entire off season with that taste in his mouth.  He will be angry, and he will be effective, and I am scared for the rest of the league.

 

 

 

Vontaze Burfict Got 3 Games… THREE

PITTSBURGH — Apparently the Cincinnati Bengals left it all out on the field — and then some — in Saturday’s night’s wild-card loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Steelers guard Ramon Foster confirmed Vontaze Burfict spit on guard David DeCastro during the game, but said Foster wasn’t the only Bengals player to commit the act. 

“He wasn’t the only guy,” said Foster on 93.7 The Fan Pittsburgh on Tuesday. “I will say that he had another culprit out there with him.”  The NFL on Monday suspended Burfict for three games of the 2016 season because of multiple issues with unsportsmanlike conduct.  Foster called the spitting uncommon and a “huge offense.” In a game that surpassed chippy and got dangerous because of heavy hitting from both teams, misconduct is not entirely unexpected.

I really can’t believe it.  There have been some dirty players in this league over the years, but NEVER have I seen one treated like this.  THREE FUCKING GAMES?!?!?!? James Harrison made a name for himself by decapitating quarterbacks and helmet to helmet hits on defenseless players, and the only story lines I EVER remember about his discipline for that was the accumulation of fines upwards of $100K mark.  It’s insanity.

So you’re going to punish a guy with a THREE game suspension for even less of a history than James Harrison… I seriously can’t believe it.  If you are going to suspend him 3 games for that, they should allow him to go back onto the field and ACTUALLY drill Antonio Brown in the head full on helmet to helmet, because THAT is the only way he would even come close to getting his money’s worth.

As for the other part of this article where Ramon Foster said Burfict spit on DeCastro, and “another player” spit too, well, that’s COMPLETE bullshit.  If you are gonna make serious accusations like that and decide just not name the player, you are obviously lying.  Like everyone is throwing out names, and Foster is just gonna anonymously say “someone else” was spitting on them? Come on bro, it’s a bad look.

He is appealing and should have it reduced to 1 game, and if that doesn’t happen we (I am) are storming NFL Headquarters.